My Own "Modest Proposal"

America, we are fatter than ever. Obesity rates continue to climb.  We are a country where people take no shame in stuffing themselves like pigs right down the street from people that are starving and digging through trash cans to find a meal. And the serious problem is not that we are unaware of these conditions – but that we know and don’t care about them! We often turn a blind eye to the food inequality in our nation and find a way to focus on other “more important” matters.

So here, I propose an idea. Surely, I’m aware that not everyone will be in favor of this proposal. But, I know it would be effective, and if you have a better alternative, please share.  I’m all ears.

I’m happy to introduce the Facility for America’s Trimalchios, also known as FAT. FAT is a correctional facility to withhold all of the gluttonous, disgusting beings that inhabit America. Fitness and nutrition experts and psychologists make up the staff at the facility and are responsible for whipping these pigs into shape and teaching them ways to live a healthy life style.

Every fast food restaurant, grocery store, and major business will be required to keep tabs on the amount of food each person is buying and eating. Every time a food transaction takes place, details of unhealthy food choices and amounts are recorded and stored in a nationwide data base. When a person exceeds their limit of unhealthy food, FAT is informed and a warrant is sent out for that person’s arrest.

The suspect is apprehended and examined for guilt. If the person exceeds an appropriate body weight without reasonable medical exemptions, they are put under arrest and sent to the correctional facility. Here's an ideal image of body weight, but a more lenient measure will be used.  Their sentence is self-determined by their desire to lose weight and be healthy. They are given an amount of weight to lose and they must lose that weight (in a healthy, natural way) before they can be released.  Before being released, they must also pass tests to prove that they have retained the information taught to them. All released persons will be required to wear a tether that further tracks their food intake and body measurements for a year. If they return to their old eating habits during this period of probation, they will be sent back immediately.

Their stay at FAT will include reading many books about health and wellness, exercise, proper nutrition and the food industry – specifically about the dangers of processed foods. The only TV they are allowed to watch is documentaries focused on healthy living or exercise videos. Other than ready to eat fruit and vegetables, the only food they can eat is what that they have prepared for themselves. Beef, chicken, pork, etc. are options, as long as they’re willing to make the kill and prepare the meat. Other processed foods are available as well, but are put at ridiculously high prices of required exercise or hard labor in exchange. The cells are small and uncomfortable, similar to a typical jail cell. 

Once again, their sentences are self-determined. They will stay there for as long as it takes them to make change.

Keep in mind, I do not write this proposal thinking that I am exempt. If the qualifications for arrest were based on weight alone, I might be punishable. I write this with hopes of making change in our American way of eating.

FAT will change the way Americans think about what they are putting in their mouths. They’ll think twice about stopping at McDonald’s instead of the Farmer’s Market. It could send them to FAT.